


In Flagrante Limericks

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-25
Updated: 2006-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:11:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Jack and Daniel have a little limerick contest during a private moment. No poems, actual or virtual, were harmed during the recording of this story.





	In Flagrante Limericks

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thank you to Cleo the Muse for not being offended that I took her concept (see her archived series "Limericks" here on the Alpha Gate site) into the slash realm. I hope I’ve done justice to it. This was a challenge, as I’ve never attempted to write a dialogue only piece. But what fun to write! Also thanks to my beta and great friend, Carlyn, for finding all my apostrophe mistakes! At the end of the story, you can find all the complete limericks listed in order.  


* * *

"Jack?"

"Yes, Daniel?"

"Would you say my ass is good looking?"

"Beautiful."

"Then how come it took you years to notice it?"

"Denial?"

"What's a river in Egypt got to do with my ass?"

"Very funny, Dannyboy."

"Would you say that my ass is beautiful enough to be...poetic?"

"Daniel..."

"No, really, Jack, is it?"

"Your innocent blinkey eyes so won't work on me today. I know where you're going with this."

"Then you won't mind covering my six for me?"

"Geez, Daniel, your mind is a one way trip to the gutter every time, isn't it?"

"You're the one who primed my sexual pump, Jack, so you have to deal with what *comes* out of it."

"Just, get on with it. I can see from your face that whatever you've *come* up with is just bursting to escape you."

"Ok, Jack, I'll play nice."

"Since when?"

"After years of denial uncurled..."

"Oh god, here we go."

"Jack's libido has finally unfurled."

"And the punchline?"

"His pleasure he'll find  
In his archeologist's behind  
The most beautiful ass in this world."

"Oh, Danny. Only you."

"What, my ass isn't the most beautiful in the world?"

"More like the universe, but I won't deny it's heaven on earth."

"Jack, that's so sweet of you to say."

"Yeah, but I'll never admit it to anyone else, so don't gloat."

"I am not gloating. This is my appreciative look."

"You're appreciative look looks a lot like your 'I'm right, and your wrong' look."

"Jack, don't be an ass."

"Be a poet?"

"You couldn't have thought of one in this short of time."

"When my inspiration is you, Daniel, I can come up with a lot of things in a short amount of time."

"Yeah, I know. We need to work on your endurance."

"Hey, it's not my endurance that needs work. Your lips are just too damn talented."

"Well, they are registered as lethal weapons on 14 planets."

"Though his mouth is impressively smart..."

"There better not be a reference to 'tart' in here. I keep telling you, I'm not THAT easy!"

"Lips as sexy as hell when they part "

"Ok, you can keep complimenting my body parts."

"He has more than skill  
When he swallows his fill  
He makes giving blowjobs an art"

"Jack! You've never complimented my blowjobs before. I'm touched!"

"Yes, I have. You know that whole 'groaning, moaning, unable to string together enough syllables to make a word' thing I do when your lips are wrapped around my dick? That's my compliment to your blowjob skills. And I give one every single time you do."

"Jack!"

"Top that, Daniel."

"I'd rather top you. In fact...  
I really can't deny that you're crass   
It's amazing you've attained such high brass"

"Leave the military out of this, Daniel."

"But regardless, I'll try  
To put such manner aside  
If it'll let me sink my dick in your ass."

"Hmmmm...promise?"

"Anytime, Flyboy."

"But, you know, Daniel, it's not nice to judge people."

"If the crass fits..."

"For an anthropologist admitting to judge   
And refusing on his judgement to budge."

"Jack! You promised me you'd never swear in the house! Do NOT bring up that man's name again."

"Budge isn't a swear word, Daniel. Go burn his book and get over it."

"Fine, I'll ignore that you used the 'B' word. Keep going, as I'm interested in where you're headed."

"You'll disgrace your degrees  
Then find yourself on your knees  
With me behind--I'll happily pack fudge."

"Ewwww....Jack! That is so gross."

"That's not what you said last night when I was licking fudge off your nipples."

"DIFFERENT fudge, Jack. Completely different."

"Hate to tell you this, Danny, but in the bedroom, fudge is fudge. Some's for eating, some's for packing. Deal."

"O'Neil..."

"Ah, I've gotten you to name-call. Excellent."

"Stop with the Burns impression. On him it looks menacing. On you, ridiculous."

"You're just jealous that you can't do all the Simpson's impressions I can."

"As if."

"Don't roll your eyes at me. And look what you've done. We're off topic."

"Is there ever a topic with you, Jack?"

"We were talking about fudge."

"No, I was talking about fudge. YOU were talking about shit."

"I so was not."

"Right....Your training makes your body quite fit..."

"Aren't we done with these yet?"

"And you're loyal to a fault--you don't quit."

"Why, yes, Daniel, I am. Thanks for noticing."

"But as nice as you are,"

"Why is there always a 'but' with you when you're saying something nice to me?"

"It's not a stretch by far..."

"My butt is not stretched!"

"To say your ass ain't the only thing fulla shit."

"Ouch! You wound me, Daniel."

"Hardly. Your ego is big enough to take it, Macho Man."

"That's not the only thing that's big about me."

"Stop wiggling your eyebrows at me, Jack. It only makes you look like an old Groucho Marx."

"Old? OLD???"

"In a good way."

"No backpedaling now, Daniel."

"Maybe some of us think that distinguished looking men are sexy."

"Daniel, 'distinguished looking' is just a euphemism for 'old.'"

"Grey is sexy."

"Stop nuzzling behind my ear."

"Nuh-uh. You like it. Besides, that's where the nicest, softest patch of grey is at."

"Daniel! I can't think when you're lips are doing that."

"Well, they could be doing other things that would make it even harder for you to concentrate."

"Or just make me harder. STOP!"

"You're no fun."

"You're telling me. I just told you to stop putting your lips on me! How crazy is that?"

"I can start again."

"Yes...I mean...No! I need to concentrate. I will not let you win."

"If you let me get back to the lip-thing, we both win."

"God, do NOT do the bedroom voice. I can't hold out against that, and you know it."

"So you say."

"Stop with the purring noises in the back of your throat! Geez-us. Just. Stop. Let me think."

"It's been a minute and a half now, Jack. Are you done thinking yet?"

"The crazy things I do for my love   
I won't bore you with a list thereof  
Instead I will reveal  
A secret that I feel--  
Daniel's package is most impressive"

"Oh, Jack."

"Quit laughing."

"But it's not my fault that you made me stop what I was doing."

"It is so."

"And you still managed to somehow dwell on my 'package', even when you were pouting."

"I don't pout, Daniel. That's your area of expertise."

"We've been over this before, Jack. I do not pout. Look pensive, yes. But I don't pout."

"Yadda, yadda. Just remember that all the girls get swoony when you 'pensive', so try not to, ok?"

"Swoony, Jack? That's not even a word."

"Daniel, yadda? And stop growling. Even that's sexy as hell."

"If I hear you say ‘Yadda’ once more   
When I'm talking -- I know, I'm a bore   
I'll cover your head."

"Oh, yeah, I definitely want you to cover my 'head'."

"A pillow while in bed--"

"Oh, you mean my head, head."

"Let's just say from now on you won't snore."

"Fer cryin' out loud, Daniel. You got me all excited talking about my 'head', and you end it with suffocating me?"

"Erotic Asphyxiation?"

"We are so not going there, Danny. Why don't we get back to talking about my other head?"

"Well, it is a pleasurable topic."

"And so much more pleasurable when you're on it."

"The topic?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Do you want me to wax poetic about your penis, Jack?"

"I don't know. That glint in your eye looks ominous."

"I promise to be good, Jack."

"You're always very good, Daniel."

"Thank you, I try. Now about that homage to your cock?"

"That might push me over the edge. Besides, isn't it my turn to dazzle you with my linguistic skills?"

"Sure, Jack, go ahead."

"I love when you talk about my head   
A nice shade of purple, maybe red?"

"Hmmm...definitely purpley-red."

"Its beauty enticing"

"Yes, very beautiful. Very enticing."

"Wanna whip out the icing?"

"Chocolate?"

"And lick it clean--at least you'll be fed!"

"I want everyone to note that Jack has promised me dessert in bed later on."

"Um, Daniel?"

"Yeah?"

"We're alone."

"So less people have to note this auspicious occasion. And?"

"And we're already in bed."

"So you're halfway there in fulfilling your promise. Are you complaining?"

"No, not complaining, just, you know, commenting."

"Sam and Janet won't like you for it though."

"Ewww...please do not bring our doctor and Carter into the bedroom like that!"

"You big baby. We're just talking about them, Jack."

"No, see, we're not. You mentioned them, though for what reason, I don't know. I'm trying to block all thought of them out of my mind right now."

"I mentioned them because they're trying to tame my sweet tooth. If I told them that you're actually encouraging my sugar addiction, they'll beat the crap out of you."

"You're smiling way too much for my sanity here. Do you talk about us to Frasier or Carter?"

"Not about us, Jack, of course not."

"Good. Then they'll never find out, because you won't tell them. And can we please stop talking about those two? The little colonel is not happy right now."

"Hmmm...I can see that. We just can't have him so lifeless now can we?"

"No, we can't. What are you going to do about it?"

"Maybe give him a taste of what's to come?"

"Oh, Dannyboy, I like how you think!"

"To my sugar addiction you'll swoon  
Don’t worry, my appetite won't ruin"

"More limericks? I thought you were going to go with the 'more action, less talking' thing?"

"But your dick is sublime"

"Ok, flattery will get you everywhere."

"Even covered in slime  
I'll enjoy licking 'him' like a spoon"

"I'd definitely say he likes that concept. Care to demonstrate?"

"You want me to suck your cock, Jack?"

"God, yes. Put those soft, perfect lips where they'll do the most good."

"But what about the rest of my mouth, Jack? I don't want my lips to have all the fun."

"Whatever you want, just do it."

"This isn't a Nike commercial, Jack."

"Gahhhhh....quit with the quips and make with the lips!"

"Now, Jack, that doesn't count as a limerick, and you know it."

"Grrrrrrr...."

"Ok, we'll compromise. I'll run my tongue all over your balls, sucking on them gently, rolling them around inside my mouth, until you think of another limerick. Then, I'll deep throat your shaft while you're reciting it to me. Is that enough incentive to get you back in the game?"

"FUCK, Daniel. Whatever you want. Just...oh god, yes, right there."

"You're whimpering, Jack."

"Don't talk. Enjoying."

"Limerick, Jack."

"Don't stop."

"Before you wanted me to stop, now you don't. Can't you make up your mind?"

"I did. It involves sucking. Your mouth. My balls. Now."

"Jack?"

"Thinking."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Prove it."

"Deep throat."

"As soon as you start the poem."

"Talking nasty's the best way to get   
Me naked and hard-- don't forget  
I'll bring the action to you  
You'll come once, maybe two.  
I'll take care of your needs, don't you fret!"

"Not bad, Jack, but I've got one better:  
As enjoying as all this talk is   
If the action doesn't start soon, I'll ‘tiz’  
Stick your cock in my hole  
By now you know the roll  
Bang my prostate so hard that I jizz."

"My pleasure, Daniel."

-The End.

**_\----All the limericks complete----_**  
 **Daniel:**  
After years of denial uncurled   
Jack's libido has finally unfurled   
His pleasure he'll find  
In his archeologist's behind  
The most beautiful ass in this world

**Jack:**  
Though his mouth is impressively smart  
Lips as sexy as hell when they part   
He has more than skill  
When he swallows his fill  
He makes giving blowjobs an art

**Daniel:**  
I really can't deny that you're crass   
It's amazing you've attained such high brass   
But regardless, I'll try  
To put such manner aside  
If it'll let me sink my dick in your ass.

**Jack:**  
For an anthropologist admitting to judge   
And refusing on his judgement to budge  
You'll disgrace your degrees  
Then find yourself on your knees  
With me behind--I'll happily pack fudge.

**Daniel:**  
Your training makes your body quite fit   
And you're loyal to a fault--you don't quit  
But as nice as you are,  
It's not a stretch by far  
To say your ass ain't the only thing fulla shit.

**Jack:**  
The crazy things I do for my love   
I won't bore you with a list thereof  
Instead I will reveal  
A secret that I feel--  
Daniel's package is most impressive

**Daniel:**  
If I hear you say "Yadda" once more   
When I'm talking -- I know, I'm a bore   
I'll cover your head,  
A pillow while in bed--  
Let's just say from now on you won't snore.

**Jack:**  
I love when you talk about my head   
A nice shade of purple, maybe red?   
Its beauty enticing  
Wanna whip out the icing?  
And lick it clean--at least you'll be fed!

**Daniel:**  
To my sugar addiction you'll swoon   
Don’t worry, my appetite won't ruin   
But your dick is sublime  
Even covered in slime  
I'll enjoy licking "him" like a spoon

**Jack:**  
Talking nasty's the best way to get   
Me naked and hard-- don't forget   
I'll bring the action to you  
You'll come once, maybe two.  
I'll take care of your needs, don't you fret!

**Daniel:**  
As enjoying as all this talk is   
If the action doesn't start soon, I'll "tiz"   
Stick your cock in my hole  
By now you know the roll  
Bang my prostate so hard that I jizz.


End file.
